Naked Airlines

by Amy Zidell

[Prologue Prologue note 11.24.10 - This classic 2002 commentary detailed a very clear solution for the flying public. How long does it take for great ideas to be implemented? - Also read a companion piece from 2009 The Santa Claus Doctrine]

[Prologue note 08.11.06 - In light of recent events, it seemed a good idea to remind y'all of this piece. This might be an idea that catches on. History does repeat itself, when will people remember that?]


Tougher passenger and luggage screening procedures are helping to make air travel and our country more secure. This is evidenced by a variety of incidents including the shut down of a terminal in San Francisco this morning. Despite all this, there is one option yet to be fully explored: flying naked.

Naked travelers can wear no explosive shoes. Furthermore, prospects of mass nakedness of young, old, male, female, white, black, brown, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, etc. might just be too much for would be terrorists to handle, especially if they are of the Islamic radical ilk. Wires protruding from any part of their body would be more readily apparent. Further enhancement of screening procedures would be achieved by the use of TPBW - Thorough Precise Body Waxing. Such procedures would greatly limit the ability of evil doers to carry anything bad on them from bombs to drugs.

After visual checks, a quick circuit of orifice exams would further screen passengers. The employment of gynecologists, proctologists, ear nose and throat specialists, and nurse practitioners would supplement medically trained screeners. While screeners were down there, so to speak, they could take PAP smears and alert medical specialists of any possible polyps. Deviated septa would also be revealed. The results would be life saving. Not just from the detection and deterrence of terrorists, but, a variety of air travelers' illnesses could be caught at very early stages from oral and skin cancers down to prostate conditions. Flights would potentially become more pleasant as ENT treatments would help reduce snoring.

This would offer a huge boon to the rubber glove industry as well.

Body scans or ultra sound testing would offer low radiation options of determining whether any passengers had swallowed or inhaled any foreign materials. Once this final check was completed, passengers would receive special slippers, robes with attached short belts, a massage, and herbal tea. Finger foods would be served on planes.

This whole system would make travel more like a visit to a very efficient health spa.

Why not add a little bit of luxury to travel? This naked flight plan is efficient politically as well, addressing issues of health care, smuggling, job and industry growth, and security all within a single program.

Here are some possible slogans for this revealing program:

  1. Fly often, fly naked.
  2. Air Naturale
  3. Naked all the time. Naked on time.
  4. Naked Air: There's no reason to stare.
  5. Fly naked, like birds do.
  6. Naked Air: You ain't got anything we haven't seen before.
  7. Your clothes, leave home without them.
  8. When you're flying naked, you're flappin' in the breeze.
  9. Naked Airlines: seeing is believing
  10. Naked Air: Yes, we ARE glad to see you!

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[Tags] Flying, naked, pat down, scanners, TSA, air travel, security

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